Over the years, I’ve been taught love. The carpools on the way to a baseball game. The call to see where I am. The space given to let me cool off before a nasty thought comes out of my mouth.
Growing up without my biological father, I thought I was rare until I opened my eyes and realized that most of the strong, independent women in my life grew up, including post high-school graduation, in a single-parent household. Courtesy of TikTok, my guarded, stubborn and unwillingness to love easily are all “side effects” to this trauma. So now, I’ve shifted my focus from being rare to just being broken but somehow that doesn’t sit quite right either (because self-love is important). These other women I’m thinking of have children, husbands and a steady adult life. I, on the other hand, do not. I run from the first sign of feelings. I jump to expectations from the male species. I turn down opportunities to truly get to know new people. Why is that? How is that? How does a girl who will start a conversation with the pan handler on the street corner afraid of one-on-one interaction? And how does she better herself to fulfill her life-long dreams of motherhood and marriage?
I’ve set up sticky notes as daily reminders. I’ve reflected on actions with my trusted, relatable friends and family. I’ve tried to force myself to simply love. None of these actions seem to work. Fortunately, in my family, we have an unorthodox way of following our arrow. Kids here, previous relationships there. We are a very welcoming bunch because ultimately, we know that life doesn’t come with blueprints. “We’re the last family to judge. Relationships happen”, said my Aunt. However, some couples flawlessly make it seem that they have the instruction manual. Am I green from jealousy yet? The couples who have been together for 30 years. The couples who found their way back to one another after time apart. The couples who never lost oneself just to create a happy household. How do you do it? What’s the secret sauce?
Most of the time, these words of wisdom are shared at a bridal shower but at the pace I’m going, the only shower I’m receiving is from a scum-filled, low-headed plastic square with a blue Walmart bathmat outside. (Kidding, I have higher hopes than that but if you know my current living situation, that’s actually hilarious.) I’ve been surrounded by love my whole life. From my grandmothers, my neighbors, my pre/post brace-faced friends, my families, they have all always shown me unconditional, ever-lasting love. You would think I’d pick up on a few clues but apparently my days of Scooby Doo and the Gang have evaded me. It’s not to say I’ve never found love or been treated with it. It’s the part of continuing that chain reaction into relationships and friendships that puzzles me.
Let me hear it. Shoot me a text or comment on this blog with your lessons of love. How do you find the courage to go on that first date? How do you continue to “burn the flame?” And here’s my favorite perhaps, most important: How do you break from your single, comfortable, routine when so far, you’ve been happy?
Alright, peace out. Let’s act like I didn’t just pour my heart into a Word document.
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