On the report card of life, I have a giant, red F flying at half staff to mourn all my dead ideas and opportunities. I cannot pull the trigger on buying a house. I cannot stand to be in a healthy relationship for longer than a month. I cannot enjoy being alive for the mere sake of breathing, smiling and lifelong friendships. In my mind, the only thing I have going for me is the ability to complete Dry January and even those threads are wearing thin. (This statement didn’t age well.) Is it my age? My surroundings? The pandemic? I don’t have an answer to turn my losses into wins but let’s see if word vomiting on a Microsoft document reveals the truth.
Who’s That Girl?
My entire life I’ve been worried about what the people next door think of me. You might not believe that statement when you hear my sailor-like sarcasm or see my attire at Dollar General but those friendly folks in black and yellow know what isle hosts the pineapple water and Vaseline chap sticks. They get me. Beyond those employees, I care way too much what my family and friends think of my life decisions. I care too much what 90-year-old, Segway driving, Marvin thinks while sitting on his barstool and I definitely care too much what people reading this blog think. “This girl is too open.” “This girl is troubled.” “This girl is a rockstar.” See where the battle comes in? It’s easy in our own heads to become our worst enemy. We notice the stretch marks. We remember every trial and tribulation of our lives thus far. We care way too much what people think. Do they even notice? My guess: no. I wore a nose ring around for a week with only one person making a remark and that’s because I begged it out of him. People don’t really care what I wear, what I do, or who I hang out with. Sure, it’s a blip on the gossip table but if I’m not cramping your style, then why cramp mine? We should be proud of those stretch marks because sis, you are actually eating like God intended you to. We should be proud of those struggles because they’ve made you a bad*ss human today. We should do more of what makes us happy because at the end of the thought train, we solely deal with our own destination.
What Does It Mean to You
During the last month, I’ve called my mom more times about minor inconveniences in my life than I have during the entire year of 2021. Every time I call, I expect her to give me the answer of the angels above and flip on the “aha” lightbulb above me. That’s what she gets for raising me to believe she is heavenly. In my eyes, my mother can move mountains. As a divorcee, she raised two young children on a tight budget to be successful adults. Separately, as a non-classifed widow, she raised by herself one young girl to have the confidence to stand alone in a crowd, even if that crowd is a bunch of creepy old farmers at a hay sale. She’s pushed through the obstacles life threw on her game board and somehow continues to move with grace 5 more spaces. Yet, here I am at 25; alone, nearly couch surfing and impatient. Recently, she spoke simple advice that she was given years ago, “What does it mean to you?” Imagine the power behind that simple statement to last almost 30 years in her mind and it’s true. What does owning a property or other investments mean to you? What is the price of having your own happiness? Your OWN happiness. Not your personal wellbeing, but something that you physically can take claim to as yours with your OWN finances. Does it matter to you? Is it timely? Because if you truly don’t care, then you shouldn’t be worried if your neighbor does.
Along that note, who is your teacher? Who gives us our grade on life? I have a pretty good idea on who holds my gradebook, and the only thing I’ve failed at is believing that He has a plan. Of course, it’s nearly impossible to shut my brain off when it’s in overdrive but there is peace in knowing I’m not in charge of the lesson plans. I still have semester after semester, test after test, and extra credit points to boost my grade on life with a red pen. Instead of believing life is over tomorrow, what if at 25 your life is just starting. At any age, really, we can hit the reset button. We have the option to start from the beginning or continue through the rubble hoping the path rides smoother. The learning lessons, not mistakes, travel with you no matter the direction you chose, so be bold. Be brave in your decision. Remember the list of highly successful people who “failed” before their idolization. As the American writer Elbert Hubbard said, “There is no failure except in no longer trying.” Super senior or not, keep trying until you achieve your lifelong goals and walk across that graduation stage with a smile and a signed diploma. And just for good measure, make sure you test out the discipline in the principal’s office. Everyone has to see it once.
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