October is always a bit of a hard month for me. Each day reminds me of loved ones who have passed whether it’s the change of the weather, opening hunting seasons, or special dates that remind me they are no longer with us. However, with great sorrow comes great passion for writing and expression of gratitude for those who’ve helped raise me.
Do you remember in 1st grade with Cindy Sealey when we learned the 6 Pillars of Character? Okay, maybe your first grade teacher wasn’t Mrs. Sealey and maybe “RESPONSIBILITY” was taught to you a different way. However, with much of my younger childhood memories erased, a lion on a podium sticks in my head. Anyone?
These pillars were taught to influence children to be good people. To be trustworthy, respectful, responsible, fair, caring, and to show a love for other humans and the environment around you. These keywords are structural beams to live a good and grateful life, yet fallen within the cracks are themes to be learned. These additional traits are taught by mentors or influential people in our lives. Unfortunately, these people have a time clock but their lessons do not. To put it simply, I believe people are put on this Earth for a reason. Bullies at school are to show you to treat everyone with kindness. Grandparents are to show you resilience within older age. Friends are here to show loyalty through every growth spurt of life. Widows are to show you life exists as one. While Mrs. Sealey’s Character Counts lesson is firmly attached to my brain, I have a few extra pillars that tend to fall off like a rocket ship into space once the lesson is learned. These characteristics are the Pillars of Life, which are taught by our loved ones and slowly fade with each death date. Granted, their values stay with us showing a strong foundation that was built from love, but the lesson plan dissolves allowing us to become the teacher. My Pillars are: Kindness, Resilience, Independence, and Friendliness.
Kindness (sort of)
You’ve seen it on every sign in Hobby Lobby. You hear it on the radio from Tim McGraw’s lips. It’s two words with a generic meaning. Be Kind. Turning on the news as of late reveals the hatred in the air. School shootings, political attacks, racial slurs, just to name a few. We are surrounded by so much chaos, that’s easy to lose focus and be kind to your neighbor. Your neighbor with opposing political signs in the front yard, the neighbor who is a different color than you, the neighbor who practices a faith by sitting in a van down by the river. Everyone is unique and that’s what makes the world turn. If we were all alike, then the Jetson’s would need to make a reboot. Uh oh, that may already be in the works. The old saying goes, “Be kind because you never know what a person is going through.” You should always be kind and courteous to others’ situations, but be careful of the boy who cries wolf. Many people see kindness as a chance at vulnerability. In my very skeptic mind, people will take advantage of you for being kind, for being a pushover, for allowing everything to just float by. Never bite the hand that feeds you, but be cautious of where that hand has been. So be nice, unless they totally deserve it.
Resilience
Have you ever played the game, Plants v Zombies? You defeat zombies by planting explosives on the battleground to stop the dead bodies from trampling your garden. It’s fun, I promise. Imagine those zombies being pummeled by a canon, one after another, only for the dirty corpse to rise from the ashes one more time. It’s me. I’m the zombie. From being a young girl and well into adulthood, I’ve been hit by explosive grievances that have rocked my world yet, I also remember, “grief is the price of love.” To have a relationship that is so hard to say goodbye too is truly a fortunate gift. From these deaths, I’m reminded that “it can always be worse” and of the morals these deceased loved ones have instilled in me. Along with many others, there are three leading ladies in my life who are resilient. They are independent, they live (lived) alone for many years, and they continue to get up when everything has seemed to knock them down. They are my role models A.K.A. my grandmothers and mother. In life, there is no time for pity parties, mainly because people get tired of listening to your sob story. What did we say above? You never know what another person is going through. A day will come when you are all alone whether it’s at work, in a field, or life, in general. The only person to rely on is you. So get used to pulling yourself up by your bootstraps; it’s nobody’s responsibility to take care of you. You know your brain and body better than literally anyone. You know you can’t eat bread before 10 a.m. You know Whitey’s jar of pickled anything is going to be spicy X 10. You know when it’s time to rot on the couch and binge watch Grey’s Anatomy. Trust yourself and don’t be afraid to spring back up when the time feels right to you.
Independence
Resilience leads to the strongest pillar of life, independence. It’s a trait that I have learned from many powerful people in life. Not the type of power that controls a woman’s body and choices, but the kind of power that is able to control one’s emotions. I’m sure you’ve seen the memes of “I’m so independent” and it’s an image of a young woman carrying a refrigerator into the house by herself. While that is an admirable trait in my book, the reality of independence can be found by sitting in a church pew by yourself, by eating lunch at a restaurant alone, or by working from home and listening to your brain for 8 hours of a day. Did a few of those examples give you anxiety just from the description? Me too, but to sit with the unrest is to overcome it. “Don’t be a waiter, be a creator.” Make change happen, personally or professionally. Take initiative and go after your dreams. They don’t have to be the same goals as your friends. Independence has been in American’s bloodstream since July 4, 1776. It’s about time we act like it.
Friendliness
The final structure that I lean upon are my friends. Life would be so boring without Mariah’s movie quotes, Morgan’s videos of Huk, or Sam’s Spiral Squad antics. Whoever let us grow up watching Jersey Shore anyways? My squad is many and I’m incredibly grateful for the girls who don’t care if I top the ball every time while golfing, to the comrades who have listened to me cry about the same situation over and over again, and to the adults who have additionally been named aunt and uncles. These people are my tribe. Have you heard the saying, “I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.” Thus, meaning a person would rather have 4 really good friends rather than 100 average ones. Let’s add a little spice and jingle an entire pocket of change. Sure, pennies, nickels, and dimes have less value when purchasing a good but, isn’t life about the little things too? A simple text from that classmate you’ve been meaning to contact. A bouquet of “flowers” picked from the ditch on his way home from work. A trinket that an acquaintance bought and said “hey, this reminded me of you.” While many people are fixed on their full dollar, I’ll hang out with my cents as together, we can accrue interest. The point should be made that not all pennies are as shiny as the next and this is where loyalty comes into play. Friends can’t always fill up your cup, because their bowl may be empty. It’s important in any relationship to understand each others needs. Give space when needed. Offer forgiveness. Defend those ‘zombies’ when they have been knocked down. I tend to defend my circle of cronies a little too fiercely at times, but it’s also a trait I’ll never apologize for because that’s the type of loyalty I expect out of my friends too. You can’t be a blood sucking vampire and expect people to continue giving you blood. Never burn a bridge, because as rackety as it may be, you never know when you’ll have to cross it. However, some people are placed on this Earth to show you what it’s like if you don’t evolve. Tread lightly if you decide to walk back over to that side. I’d bring a parachute just in case.
It’s inevitable. Slowly, (very slowly, I hope), these pillars will fall like the empire of Rome. I pray for each of you that your structure resembles the Colosseum, broken but so full of strength to last decades of erosion and battles. Find your pillars. Find your people. Find the lessons in life before time runs out.
*Dedicated to woman who embodied each of these pillars, my Grandma Mary Ann, on what would have been her 92nd birthday (10.26)
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