It’s the time of year when you hear all the positive goals humans have set for the new year. Go to the gym. Quit smoking. Read more books. You can almost list out the Top 10 most common resolutions. However, me being me, I have to add a sprinkle of difference. My news year’s resolution: gain weight.
Cosmic Brownies & Hot Cheetos
If you’ve known me my whole life, I’ve never been considered “big.” I was athletic in high school which allowed me to stuff my face full of McDonalds McChickens and Dairy Queen Blizzards. My metabolism remained steady. When I went to college in 2014, I learned the unwanted effects of a shower beer. Here a beer, there a beer, everywhere a beer beer. The occasional Dominoes late-night pizza didn’t help either. My Freshman 15 tacked on fast and my ambition for the gym dissipated even quicker. By the end of my bachelor’s degree, I weighed 180 pounds. 180 on a 5 foot 8 female isn’t obese (however it is overweight) on the BMI scale but the jeans were extra tight and the one-piece swim suits were in full force. Fast forward to my first move in Omaha, Nebraska. I lived right next to Hy-Vee, where there truly is a helpful smile in every aisle. On my way home from work, I would buy fresh meats and fruits/veggies. I was bored so I walked nearly 2 miles every day catching up with friends on the phone back home. The pounds just wouldn’t shed. So, I went to shakes. They tasted fine but they were NOT good for my digestive system. I spent more hours in pain on the floor than crafting new foods in the kitchen (one of my favorite hobbies). Everything I tried didn’t seem to work. Then, I met a boy.
“Lose Sum Lbs”
As a reader, I want to preface, the person I’m about to describe has never been my public boyfriend. So, for the men who were viewed as my significant other, this is not about them. Leave your pitchforks at home. Approaching my later 20s, I felt good about my body and mind. Until, one day, I took the liking to someone who had the audacity to tell me he wouldn’t touch a woman unless she was under 160. To my foolishness, his past said otherwise but I tried dropping the weight anyways. The pterodactyls in my stomach grew every moment we shared together, in turn, making the decision to skip breakfast a lot easier. Eventually, the pounds just shed like antlers in the middle of winter. I wasn’t even trying. Pretty soon, the immature boy was not pleased with those results either. “U are rail thin.” “U have no butt.” “U need to put some weight on.” Call me confused but isn’t that the opposite of what you told me to do when we first started talking? Also, reach out to Vanna and buy a couple vowels. So, to start 2024 fresh, I dropped the dude and set my goals to earn that booty back…for me. What’s the saying? “Hate to see her go, but I love to watch her leave.” You’ll hate both pretty soon, boo.
Along with many other mental health matters tasks, that is my New Year’s Resolution. I’m not looking to tack back on my Freshman 15, but I’m hopeful that I can tone up and tune out the haters. Besides, I heard on the radio winter is the time to gain weight, like a bear in hibernation. You have to stay warm.
Good luck to all my fellow hopefuls!
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