“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” yet it does not feel that way to me.
Ironically, I’m talking into my phone right now, “dictating”. The irony stems from what’s currently on my mind, more specifically who is on my mind. For everyone reading, I’m sure we’ve all experienced a heartbreak in some capacity around the holidays whether it’s this Christmas season, your birthday, or any celebration where your emotions should be bright and full of smiles instead of sorrow. It sucks. It really truly sucks. And we all have those eye-swelling moments. We all have a loss of someone who we didn’t realize was so important until they drifted into the skies above us. I have a letter to someone special. Someone who left me on this Earth without my understanding of his influence on my life. I’m so appreciative for his teachings and attempt to tell me goodbye but naturally, I was too stubborn to listen. Fair warning: It’s achy, it’s personal but it’s a very important lesson to share our mental health battles so we can help each other. Sharing our stories are not cries for sympathy, they are attempts to show what’s behind the smoke and mirrors and create a kinder world. As Kelsea Ballerini so elegantly sings it, “even the homecoming queen cries.” We cannot measure “being okay” with the size of smile on their face or the amount of positive energy they radiate onto other people. We can only help each other and this society by being open to many opinions and listening which is much different than hearing. While the road was rough this last year, trusted family and friends pushed me to the finish line of true happiness, self-awareness, and love in many forms. If you are ready to judge and keep a closed mind, then I suggest you dip out now. Either way, remember to “Be Sweet.”
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Wow. It's been a whole year since you left me here. You left me here on this Earth, by myself with a whole future to tell you about. A whole world of dreams that you would push me to do, to succeed in.
Crazy to think where I was a year ago today. I couldn’t even look at myself. I couldn’t get out of bed but ironically, I couldn’t sleep in that bed. I couldn’t get ready in the morning. I couldn’t come home after work and sit in the chair. I could, however, fall through the door to lay on the floor for hours on end soaking the carpet in tears. No will to move. No will to eat. Most definitely, no effort to pour a cup of coffee, warm up boiling tea in the microwave or order oatmeal without the maple flavoring at McDonalds. Did you know that’s just brown sugar?
We get over heartache. People die, we cry but eventually we forget the pain because we HAVE to move on. We can’t sit beside a gravesite for several hours a day. We can’t look at photos every day and remember the emotion of the story behind the picture. What we don’t get over are the reminders. Most people look at their husband’s clothes, their daughter’s toys, their grandmother’s jewelry. I have lessons. I look at the way I type an email, the way I edit a document and the way I treat people. I owe my upbringing to my mother and the small community I was raised in. I do. But, I owe my success, my confidence, my intelligence to you. I’ll never shake someone’s hand without looking at them in the eyes. I’ll never let people take advantage of me. And I most certainly will not allow any boy in without him standing in line.
I’m sorry I was crabby and deadline driven that day. I should of taken the time to focus on you, to turn the tables and tell you to “be sweet”, to order you a fruitcake, to take you to Shirley’s for those beef tips. I hope you’re in a limo to heaven’s version of Tijuana or at least, prepping questions for my next cowboy boot quiz. I’ll keep AuctionSniper loaded so we’re ready to pounce on the next eBay spoon special.
Thank you for showing me the ropes of professionalism and exposing the ugly side of “my earliest convenience.”
I miss you every day. <3
-Becca Becca
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